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“The risk of love is loss, and the price of loss is
grief - But the pain of grief
Is only a shadow When compared with the pain of never
risking love.”
Oh what a difficult subject….Never is there such a time
in life when you encounter such a diversity of feelings,
as when you lose someone close. The traditional meaning
of grief is mourning for the loss of someone who has
died, but although most people intuitively think it’s
about losing someone through a bereavement grief is a
normal reaction to the massive, life changing dismay of
losing someone, or something that is deeply valued, or
loved.
Grief includes a wide variety of physical and emotional
symptoms, you may feel isolated, alone, vulnerable,
helpless, angry, or indignant and to make matters worse,
if you’ve lost someone close, your friends and people
around you may either try really hard to help, bringing
you help, food, clothing wanting to take away your
washing – actually anything that will make them feel
useful, they can expect (almost demand that) you talk
to, or confide in you to the point of intrusion or they
feel so awkward that they steer a very wide berth and
make you feel awkward.
If you are grieving you may feel:
• Shock or disbelief.
• Denial.
• Anger.
• Guilt.
• Sadness
• Fear
• Depression.
• Acceptance
• Hope for the future.
• None of the above
On the other hand you may feel many of the above. Are
you (or your feelings) normal, or typical? The simple
answer is your feelings are normal for you. Everyone has
their own set of beliefs, standards and thoughts,
therefore you will experience life in a different way to
many other people; so why would you expect to experience
a loss in the same way as others?
Some of the most unhelpful comments overheard are (in
hushed voices) oh s/he’s much better than we expected,
s/he seems to be coping really well. We’re really
worried about him/her..s/he isn’t talking about it…. We
are really trying hard to help and s/he’s just really
angry we’re worried… I think s/he really needs help
If you or someone near to you are grieving, the worst
thing that can happen is to have other people’s fears
and insecurities forced upon you. Why would you judge
anyone? Why would you expect to be judged?
Did you know that whilst grief can mean mourning the
death of someone close, it can also mean the loss of a
feeling of safety after a crime such as a burglary or
personal attack? It can be for a lost relationship, a
pet, something that is valued such as a job. In this
climate this year, many people are grieving for jobs,
missed opportunities and even life that has passed them
by. It’s more about a state of mind than having hard and
fast rules. The important theme is that you will go
through a number of stages before you emerge through the
final stage - hope for the future.
So how long will it take for me to feel better? It could
be months or years it will really depend upon your
personality, whether you had a chance to come to terms
with your loss prior to it happening, it also depends
upon, what has happened and also what you are grieving
for. But if you need to talk pick up the phone and call
the number below.
Would you like to feel care-free, confident, relaxed? I
can help free you from anxiety to live the life you’ve
always wanted… Just contact Christine Hargan, BSc (Hons)
Psychology 950069238
A simple definition of grief “a psychological reaction
to something, or someone that is missing; the
discrepancy between our world that is and our world that
‘should be’” (C Murray-Parkes)
As grief is a reaction to something that is missing
individual reactions to ‘missing’ the someone or
something are very different because everyone’s
perceptions, reactions, expectations and life experience
are different. As everyone responds differently one
person may want time alone, to regroup and come to terms
with their loss, whereas another may want to throw
him/herself into activity, and to allow their transition
to fall into place, naturally. Difficulties, however,
are not just for the bereaved; many people fear the
potential embarrassment, of a public display of emotion;
and simply not knowing how to deal with it; or they are
simply afraid of making things worse. For this reason
some people will avoid the bereaved completely, or over
compensate with offers of help and food, simply because
doing something to help, will make them feel better.
Given that it’s human nature to want what you can’t have
grief can be particularly acute if the person who is
lost is the one you would turn to for your greatest
needs and these can be physical, emotional, financial or
come under another category altogether.
If you’ve lost a partner, you will, want what you can’t
have and it is common, particularly if the relationship
was really strong to become involved with a new partner
very quickly after losing a mate- the reason could be
feelings of lost sexuality; desperately needing to be
wanted, desired, needed and indeed to have fulfilment.
But very often people simply crave ‘normality’; for the
recently bereaved normality has gone and one common
feeling is that they will never be normal again - what
is more normal than to be in a strong, loving,
supportive relationship?
Many cultures expect the bereaved to find a new partner
very quickly, so after a few weeks pressure may be
expressed to look, or indeed you may be introduced to
prospective mates….. and that is really difficult. The
bereaved could be seen as a good catch, particularly if
they have had an insurance pay-out, and for younger
people, the house is likely be paid for. Sometimes
people become promiscuous – wanting what they can’t
have, or simply wanting to prove themselves, when they
do however, find a partner it is very common to be
unable to ’perform’, because, their expectations are off
kilter, so although one problem is resolved another has
been created.
Often it’s simply the differences that are so hard to
bear, a new partner may not like many of the things the
previous partner did – and what is comforting to one
party ie to have their possessions on display and to
talk about them, oh that belonged to…. s/he loved that
oh have I told you about when…..? Whilst it’s important
to talk about the one who is lost, this may be
uncomfortable for the new partner, if this is a repeated
source of conversation. It is so very difficult, for
both parties to talk about their feelings and admit that
they have a problem, because they simply don’t want to
upset the new partner. Guilt is very common, and perhaps
they feel they’re being unfaithful, it may even be that
the new partner responds very differently, and if the
new relationship fails the feelings are compounded.
On the other hand it’s quite common to go the other way
and be fearful of attachment, either because you don’t
feel ready, or that you fear another loss. Everyone is
different.
Did the lost one offer emotional support? If when faced
with your biggest problem you have lost your central
means of support you are turning toward someone, or
something that is no longer there. You are left with a
major dilemma who do I ask, who can I trust, what do I
do now? Most societies have people in the roles of wise
men/women, elders doctors, sharmans, priests,
care-givers, to help people who are in transition
between stages of loss – doctors and sharmans for
example may issue pills and potions, or at least
prescriptions for them, priests may offer rituals, that
can be comforting, community elders may offer their
words of wisdom and practical help.
For practical support there are many organisations that
can help and advise, but emotional support?, that is a
vast void to fill, friends and family will no doubt step
in but either, under, or over compensate. Often though
it is simply a perception and looking back you will find
that the support offered, is simply different. If,
through no fault of your own the main means of support
and comfort has been severed, or, replaced with a less
effective one your loss will be so much harder to bear,
as discussed in the last article. There are also
professionals who can offer emotional support, but often
the hardest thing to do is to accept that you need help
and to simply ask for it.
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